Thursday, June 4, 2015

In The Hood

"Supermarket automatic doors open for me; therefore, I am." - Craig Bruce

I try not to be John Pinette at the grocery store. I don't tell people what to buy, and I don't grumble at the nice folks who wait for the total before looking for their check book. I try to be polite, say excuse me when I need to get by. When someone is parked in front of the stuff I'm trying to select, I don't make a big production out of looking past them. I do most of the shopping and cooking, so I get a lot of practice.

I don't buy a lot of honey. There is, however, an amazing array of the stuff. Organic, free-range bee honey, Australian Manly-Man honey. I swear there was even honey certified to have been made solely through wind power. I was weighing my options (literally - it's how much per ounce!?) and a woman chuckled at me.

"Welcome to our world," she said. "Don't worry, you'll get used to it." This caused another woman to join in, commenting about understanding food choices. Grocery stores, apparently, are about learning how to make decisions.

I know no offense was meant. But, let's say, I'm at Ace Hardware, ogling the Traeger grills. A woman walks up next to me, glancing at the manly features of a pellet-fed, thermostat-controlled slice of heaven and I say...

"This is a complex piece of machinery. One of the Weber kettles would be a nice starter set, something to get your feet wet."

That's called being an asshole.

I have done our grocery shopping for (easily) fifteen years. No, I'm not looking for accolades (or sympathy). Fact of the matter is I love managing the household menu. Standing there explaining that to these delightful women would seem...overkill.

But I did text several people about it. In 2015 that counts as a snappy comeback, right?

UPDATE: Buying beer at a Wegmans in Henrietta, NY, I am asked for ID. This is not an issue, because it has to be entered into their drug buyer data base. When I present a Colorado license the clerk summons a manager, because I have provided an out of state ID and it needs to be approved.

Wait... I may not look 60, but what are the chances I have procured a fake Colorado driver's license so I can buy beer in New York?

Just what the hell is going on in grocery stores?

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