Boosting Karen

“Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.” » Lily Tomlin

One of the things I was cautioned against, in my pre-retirement prep, was "surfing the net." This was identified by my SME as a "waste of time" and "you will never fix stupid." Aha! It's not a waste of time if I get a blog out of it, and can suggest you buy one of my novels.

There is a continuing saga of memes politely called "Shut up, Carl," or sometimes "Shut the f*ck up, Carl." By the situations in which Carl has made some pronouncement, only to be shouted down by someone else, Carl is not the brightest bulb in the string.

One often finds Carl inadvertently firing a rocket ("Hey, what does this button do?"), at the range ("Pew, Pew") or as a RIO in an F-14 ("Highway to the danger zone..."). One need not see too many of these to draw the conclusion - if someone calls you "Carl" and your name is...I dunno...Jim, that's not a compliment.

Fast forward to yesterday. Looking for blogging material, or mindlessly surfing the net (take your pick) I came across a site that specializes in cop humor, cleverly titled "Cop Humor." As one can imagine, the jokes are a bit edgy. We... Well, I guess now it's they, employ remarkably dark humor to maintain something of an even keel in difficult situations.

Which brings me to the point...finally. There is apparently a branch of "STFU Carl" that features "Karen" as some kind of prototypical annoying female. Go ahead, Google it. I'll still be here when you get back.

Hello, again. The meme I posted here certainly is subject to interpretation. One is the call we've all been on where "Karen" can actually be almost anyone, including "Ken." They called for the police to solve a problem of Karen/Ken's own making and are aghast that the officers do not immediately implement their suggested solution.

The other - I'm sort of wondering here if Karen is a co-worker, or supervisor. Those of you who know me, or have read my stuff, know that I count among my best friends and most trusted colleagues a number of women police officers - street cops, detectives, supervisors. We've worked together on SWAT, bike patrol, on complex investigations and in critical situations where their excellent judgment and decision making kept everyone safe. I've put my life in the hands of women cops, and recently retired in one piece.

And then, there is Karen Sorenson. Anyone who's read Out of Ideas or The Heart of the Matter knows Karen - bright, athletic, tough and talented. She's the kind of police officer I loved working with because I wrote her that way. Her character is derived from real-life people - women I've watched close up, and from afar. From a reviewer:

 In addition to all of the above, James A. Greer gives readers insight into the soul of a female law enforcer and by so doing enlightens us on the trials and tribulations of real-life females who devote themselves to protecting us.

So, folks. Every time you see a Karen meme - it's telling you subliminally "Buy a Karen book!" by clicking on the above links. It's all good.

Trust me on that.

Princess Pat, Duchess of Doctorals

"I never see any home cooking - all I get is fancy stuff."

Prince Philip

Apparently, there is a full time vacancy in the Royal Family for a gadabout couple, the present occupants of the role having given notice. You know, the job of man and woman who dress well, behave impeccably and say "Quite so" a lot. They are trotted out for garden openings - "The Westminster Peony Club would like to welcome the Duke and Duchess..." - given prominent seats at gala events of state and have their own box at Lord's, the birthplace of cricket. It seems safe enough, the IRA having been bought off some time ago.

We already have purebred dogs who consider themselves royalty. The cat... Try to put a bow in Gilda's hair and you may get most of the skin taken off your forearm. She may need some lessons.

We have friends there!! We could get lessons in not being such a...I dunno...a Yank!

Meeting prominent individuals, touring the world with adoring fans flocking ever amicably. Soirées to the countryside aboard well-bred, expensively trained steeds... Rubbing shoulders with the rich and famous while sipping only the finest vintages, the best seats in the house at the opera and symphony. Oh my God, the London Symphony!

There is the complication of not being born into the Royal Family, but my Dad's mom was English (from London, I think) and I was rooting for England all along during the ODI Cricket World Cup last year. There's gotta be some kind of form I'd need to sign, or some waiver I would have to get from the Queen.

Seriously. Keep my mouth shut while Pat and I trot to and fro, drinking tea, eating crumpets and hobnob with a lot of stuffy people?

Quite so.

The Cliffs at Etretat

Danny Ocean (George Clooney): And I always confuse Monet and Manet. Now, which one married his mistress?
Tess Ocean (Julia Roberts): Monet.
Danny: Right, and then Manet had syphilis.
Tess: They also painted occasionally.

What to do, what to do? Retirement, week one and a half.

We decided to visit the Monet Exhibit at the Denver Art Museum. We... It was Pat's idea, actually, something about which she was quite enthused. It had drawn excellent reviews. Friends had raved about it. Mid-week, mid-day. Beat the crowds, take our time. 

Of course, why not. What could it hurt, staring at paintings of... He's an impersonator, right?

Her: Impressionist, dear.
Me: Oh.

So, off we went. Since I had no pre-conceived notions of what it would be like, there was no reason to think I'd be disappointed. 

It was fabulous!

The groups embark in fifteen minute intervals, spacing them out just enough. Before entering the exhibit a worker distributes a hand-held self-guided tour. At well-marked points along the way the guest is invited to punch in a number - some for adults and some for kids - that offered information, set the scene for the scenes and gave biographical information, historical contexts and commentary by local experts in geology, botany and painting.

It was fascinating, to view how Monet's gift expressed itself. His painting evolved continually, he toured Europe and along the way tried to capture the essence of what he was seeing. Far from pictures that are virtual photographs, he gives the viewer his...IMPRESSION! That's it.

Drawing up as close as the wary security folks would allow, it was amazing to see brush strokes - a bit of red, some white, a long streak of blue - it was a woman walking the streets of Paris! Parallel green strokes with a broad brush - waves! One painting, the famous water lily scene, changed dimensions the closer one got.

It was breathtaking. A geologist commenting on my little speaker thing said "Etreta's cliffs are white! Yet here we are, the colors representing how the clouds, the air...light...can give them unimaginable hues."

Monet wasn't painting a picture, he was painting feelings, aromas, the ever changing nature of the passage of time. It was almost like he was putting you right there, without beating you over the head with the experience, and letting you imagine it for yourself.

Like a writer might.

My wife is a genius.

Emergency! Everybody to Get from Street!

"Mysterious Drones Spotted in 4 Colorado Counties"

What is it about drones that peaks our interest? The above news story, current as of this morning on FOX 31 in Denver, reports the presence of drone aircraft over...us! Who are they spying on?!

A More Perfect Union

One might conjure up all sorts of theories, at least until the mystery is solved with some bland pronouncement by "officials" that the missions were to map erosion, check electric wires or for training new operators. Boooorrring.

Solved...ha! What if...

That is the stock and trade of a fiction writer. Drones, guns, martial law. Here is a recent review of my novel A More Perfect Union (click on link to purchase):

 "The author presents a very interesting premise about the instantiation of martial law in a portion of the country, and the questions that arise in the individuals tasked to enforce that. The main characters were complex and struggled with the doubts pertaining to their role. But along with that introspection, there was plenty of action to keep you on the edge of your seat. Bonus points for the author's familiarity with firearms and tactics. Well worth the read, and very much comparable to anything published mainstream that I've read in the past couple of years. Definitely deserves a wide audience."

I didn't intend Cici and Kevin to answer the big questions. I meant them to struggle with the down-to-Earth problems faced by human beings placed in difficult situations. All of us who have served in law enforcement have asked ourselves, from time to time, if we are doing the right thing.

Did they?

Turn the Page

Me: It was surreal. Walking out was surreal. I went to the truck and sat there thinking "This is surreal."
Her (grinning): We've established walking out was surreal...
(With apologies to Phil Davis, Mr. Wallace and General Waverly)

It snowed on my first day of retirement...

Probably best to stay away from the melodramatic. This was a day Pat and I had planned for since, well, since we'd met. 

I had dropped off everything but my cell phone, charger cord and key peg. How I still had the key peg, or more appropriately how I could still find the key peg is anyone's guess. I hadn't needed it since December, 2014. But, there it was.

I ran into one of my favorite all time co-workers on his way out. Talented, intelligent and quick witted, he wondered if I needed him to stick around, to escort me out. "So you're not tempted to stop at a computer and fuck something up." I passed - he would have been a co-conspirator, anyway.

Turned in my badge, got my ID card punched to invalidate it and... 

It was surreal. I stopped to say good bye to a man I'd worked with, and for, since 1982. Then, with no fanfare whatsoever, I left.

Pat and I shared a toast, then margaritas at a local restaurant. 

And we began a new chapter in our lives.

Part Perspiration, Part...A Dog Sleeping On My Foot?

“To shift your life in a desired direction, you must powerfully shift your subconscious.”
― Kevin Michel, Moving Through Parallel Worlds To Achieve Your Dreams

The dream was vivid enough to remember upon awakening. We'd been in a running gun battle, my work partner and I. She was young, fair skin and light red hair worn in a pony tail. She had just emerged from field training, inexperienced but ready to mix it up.

We'd responded to a hot call, a... Contractor doing an excavation in the middle of a major intersection, without a permit. They started shooting the moment we arrived.

My partner moved gracefully to cover and returned fire. 

That's about when I woke up. It was just past three AM. Too early to write. Not too early to get up for a drink of water, to make sure I was able to keep the plot line firmly in mind.

Madie Delaney, fresh from field training. Still trying to decide if her academy classes really prepared her for the dangers, the doldrums... A career in law enforcement.

You know who you are out there. Yeah, you folks. I wrote a thousand words today. Are you ready to help me with a new character?

And help me figure out why the hell a construction crew was shooting at the cops over a permit dispute.

A Most Boring Art

After my first semester in law school, I'm seriously considering suing Santa for breaking and entering. I hate the holidays...

The victim is always someone still attractive in death, and maybe had a sympathetic life story. Single, uses a dating service. Ends up on a floor, a white chalk line around her, eyes skyward. Rope around her neck. Detective Karen Sorenson stands over the body, a crime scene photographer snapping a few frames, using a little scale he puts next to the silk fabric of the recently deceased's plum-colored nightgown.

"Oh, that's something you don't see every day," the crime scene guy mutters under his breath. Click. Click.

"What, the positioning of the body?" Karen asks.

"No. She's been strangled with an Anderson and Owens guitar string. Looks like the low E. They are made in Bakersfield, California. Buck Owens started the company when he invented the Bakersfield sound. Hard to get, maybe one shop in town carries them."

Karen and her partner exchange a glance...

And, we're off.

I could start a novel like that. In fact... But, do you know how I'd never get one going?

Law porn.

One of the hardest, and most boring, things to teach recruit police officers in the academy is how to read law, and apply it. Seriously - something they will do every day of their career, and it's amazingly agonizing to teach. Why? Because people are not conditioned to think the way they have to learn to think.

The above is a murder, right? Eventually Karen will find the suspect gigging at some coffeehouse near the local college, trolling for his next victim. Halfway through a rendition of "Guitars, Cadillacs" the foot chase is on. The guy is cornered, the monologging begins...

But, there is no chance - I mean NO CHANCE - Karen and her partner will be described engaging in the most elemental part of their investigation. To wit:

What statute applies, what are the material elements, and what evidence proves each and every element beyond a reasonable doubt.

Yet, for each new officer, it is imperative to learn to read law and apply it. Let's use an example from an introductory class I teach.

Jim and Pat have visited their retirement counsellor, who has told them they will have to supplement their income with a side job. Jim says "I have guns, you can drive. Let's go rob the local Sevie." Pat agrees, and drives Jim down to the 7/11. Gun in his pocket, Jim enters the store, but - SQUIRREL - is distracted by the cookie dough treats in the freezer section. He forgets (because he's old) to rob the store and leaves with his dessert. What crime have Jim and Pat committed?

Most of the recruits will blurt out "Attempted Robbery." When asked to support that legal theory, I get the most interesting variations on the puppy dog look. Big, round eyes, head cocked. Puzzled.

It is a skill that does not come intuitively to anyone. Through painful repetition, we work through most of the Academy to get them thinking like a street cop - identify the issue, apply the law, make a decision. It is painfully mundane, so much so that you will never...okay, I guess rarely...catch me writing Karen analyzing a statute.

It's what she really does for a living. It's what all of us really do for a living.